I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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