How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
