did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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