Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
