I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
