Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
