dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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