I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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