You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
