He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They took my balls.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
