i think my tv is drunk
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
