I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again