You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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