god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
