we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
