Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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