I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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