I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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