I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Randomize
