The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
