3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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