You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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