bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
