I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
