i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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