the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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