beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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