I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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