get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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