P.S. I can't hear my feet
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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