If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
