Ketchup is God's man juice
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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