Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
