I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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