I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
