I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Farmville is her only friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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