I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's shark week go big or go home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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