You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
