Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
