If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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