I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
