Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
