Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
This show inspires me to have sex in space
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
