I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
