I think i peed on brittanys purse
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
