Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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