A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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