TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I will pee on everything he values.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
