I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
