Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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