Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
