everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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