i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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