I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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