From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
