He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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