I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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